You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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