WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize