thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
