2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
