my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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