I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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