my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
