Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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