Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Randomize
