Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
