so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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