She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
