My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
