i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the condom got lost in my hair
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
