You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
