so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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