my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Its about making memories worth repressing
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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