Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
