Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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