Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
