I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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