Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
