How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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