Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
