would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
