Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
