how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
