Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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