Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
