I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
