How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
