Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
