So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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