Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I have tasted many bathrooms
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
