Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
