coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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