Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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