who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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