Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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