Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
