I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
not ubering you a puppy
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
