But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
