her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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