i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
