Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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