My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
false alarm. still invincible.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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