I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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