Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
