Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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