My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
