Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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