I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize