i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
