why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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