i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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