you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
